Have you ever felt like you were tested the most, even when you were trying to follow the Lord? I’ve felt knocked down so many times when I was just trying to live righteously, so much that I felt exhausted, angry with, and put off by God. I felt like I never heard from Him. Oddly enough, it seems God was teaching me patience, and more importantly that I was meant to be myself and no one else. I paid some tough prices along the way, but they were meant to help refine me ultimately.
I know I was very insecure for a long time. I needed validation from everyone else in order to love myself. I think there must’ve been a point where it became second nature to me so much that I began looking for acceptance. I even remember a time when I couldn’t make a decision without asking another for their opinion. Some may assume that my insecurities were because of my weight, but it actually had very little to do with that. Big, skinny, or anything in between (and I have been all of those sizes at one point in my life), the insecurities remained. It had to do with the fact that I never developed the strength of character to be happy within myself no matter the circumstance.
And I felt so upset with God that He didn’t help me to be more confident. As if it was God’s fault for not snapping His fingers and giving me confidence on the spot (the audacity!). It was never God’s fault. He was asking me to refine my character, and refine it in a way that would allow me to follow Him. But I wasn’t in a place where I could hear it; which was a test within itself. The reality was God could do so much more with me, but I couldn’t get past my insecurities enough to follow Him.
Since I was little, I always knew God had a platform for me to help others. And now, I’m finally on the journey to living out my purpose by helping women to learn how to love themselves (see how God brought my journey of loving myself into work to serve Him). But boy, the tests I’ve been through within myself to get here. I’ve failed and retaken so many tests that revolve around faith, character, and confidence that it’s not even funny. The most interesting part in my experience with God is that He will have you retake the same tests until you pass them. Confidence being the one that I seemed to have to retake frequently Lol.
What it seemed I always had a hard time learning was that God wanted me to know how to be comfortable with myself regardless of what others said or thought about me. I was meant to be who I was supposed to be and that was that.
The hardest part about the concept of comfortability is recognizing that kind of freedom is glorifying to God because that’s how you can learn to get closer to Him and follow His ways. But without understanding that I was in bondage to insecurity and others opinions of me, how could I get to where He needed me to be? God already told me who I was on the inside if I just chose to listen to Him. But the test was listening to Him and not trying to do everything else just to get the results I wanted. My promotion was in passing the test of confidence and doing what was right to follow Him.
One important thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to be like everyone else to be okay in life. Over time, I’ve learned that it’s okay to be obedient and follow His rules, as opposed to openly choosing sin. God has always anointed the tasks He’s asked me to follow; but when I’ve tried to blow open doors that I thought I should have open, it’s always failed. For years, I’ve had ideas of what happiness looked like, but it wasn’t until I started working on myself that I found happiness in purely listening to the directions God has shared.
Today, I want to urge you to consider listening to God as your test. What is he asking you to work on? How can you trust Him by being obedient? One thing I always consider is how can I grow my self love in Christ so that it changes the course of my life. I encourage you to take a moment to do the same.
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